Speaking of school nights, my teacher informed me that my Anne Boleyn research paper I worked on for months has indeed received a perfect score! Not only that, but she also said it was one of the best papers that she has ever had the pleasure of reading. I walked out of that classroom beaming and overjoyed! So nerdy but when you put in that amount of effort it feels amazing when it pays off!
School is going well and my trip is coming up, everything is great. Although, I'm still very nervous about reuniting with an old friend. I hate change so much, but I can feel that there has been a tremendous shift just with me. I am such a worrier by nature. I'm sure it will be fine and I'm keeping expectations out of my mind, but there's just that little thought every now and then.
Everything will be great!
Everything will be great!
Everything will be great!!!
The first battle has already been waged and my Aunt has pulled out the big guns, "we just want to do something with OUR family, no hard feelings." Of course this may only seem like flares, a simple warning, but this declaration comes after staking Thanksgiving territory as her responsibility. Shock waves are felt through the ranks of Grandparents and my own Mother, they retort and bristle with annoyance; imeediately stirring into a frezy. With my Aunt's blockade piggybacking on said cousin's ignorance of the treaties which explicitly outline saying "thank you" for birthday calls and gifts, her side of the family is now...the enemy. Mother and Grandma prepare for war, for with Grandma's new fiancee and looming wedding, sending peace envoys is unlikely.
Old hatchets thought to be buried are hastily dug up and thrust at the enemy, and Grandma plays the ultimate weapon, the "I'm the Mother" card. No movement yet from behind enemy lines, but true to Italian family form, there will be no end without surrender.
Happy F&@*ing Holidays.
School definitely helps, it keeps me grounded and creates an obligation to an established life, but that backfires occasionally and makes the urge to leave even harder to handle. I feel that there are answers, but I can't define the questions.
I may not know where I'm going or why, but I do know what I hope for. I hope to never hurt like that ever again, and I wish every night at the same time that it's not slowly taking steps to recurring, my own personal nightmare. I do not want to perpetuate the cycle, I let it end, but it found it's way. Now, I do not know what I'm doing again.
This is silly, to worry so much about days to come, it is not in my control and to worry is so counter productive. But, I still will wish every night that this is different.
I've been spending a lot of time on a mode of escape with a bird with one leg. I never noticed it only had one leg until one day, with no specific reason. She's always there though, it's always the crippled ones that stick around.
I smoke a cigarette, (something recently picked up again and even more recently ended), and she turns her head in the weirdest ways. Maybe the smell bothers her too.
She had babies, they lived in a planter outside my window. Then some asshole blew them off the side of a building with a power washer, and they died. She seems OK though. But, maybe she should pick up smoking just in case.
Iguess the moral of the bird is this:
someone may take your legs out from under you, something close to you may suddenly be gone and some asshole could make it hard to breathe, but you'll find an escape.
Fast foward to present.....
I no longer have a fire escape, a bird with one leg and inspiration to write from. Life is different now. I made the final great escape and left that city with the genetically crippled bird population; I tipped my hat to my feathered friend's way of life and flew south for the winter. Some might say it was for the better, some might say that foggy city was where I fit in best. I guess birds of a feather don't always flock together. The way I saw it was, my personal Eco system had disintegrated and a new predator that I couldn't shake was always on my tail. It's name was memories, and he followed me every where I went, taking a chunk of my heart out with each restaurant, street corner, and crosswalk he and I had been together. I realized, I wasn't in the best place for myself; I needed more than just surviving the day to day, I needed to evolve.
I stick out in my new habitat, I still wear the camouflage of my previous domain. It draws attention, but memories isn't here, he hasn't caught my tracks and migrated...yet. Like in most nature shows, he will, that's what makes him a predator. But, I've evolved and I think I've got some new tricks up my sleeve.
I've been extremely sensitive to my surroundings for the past week! It's so frustrating when you can't get out of your head and stop over analyzing stupid shit. I have so much going on right now school wise that it makes it even more upsetting that I can't get my head back out of the clouds. But, for me it's that time of year, fall and the hell-idays.....money becomes annoying, trying to get time off and feeling lonely without a soul in this new place. I'm complaining a lot, I know, it's bad. I just dread the upcoming weeks in the most unhealthy way imaginable. Next week after this last midterm I'm hoping Amber doom and gloom passes without a trace. Here's hoping!
I do however love the little brown and white dog that is sleeping on my leg at the moment, she is an angel and gets me through the day. Best thing I have done this far in life is adopt her, I am convinced!! She is always so thrilled to see people and is the best spooner I've ever had!
Good night, I'm going to dream my way into a great PMA!!
I mentioned in a previous entry that a "friend" has reappeared back in my life, I'm currently still on the fence about this matter. Is it even worth trying this hard to repair something I lived just fine without for 9 months? That is a long period of time and things can change, I think I have changed. I desired the friendship while it was absent, but now that it's back I am reminded of all the crazy shit that comes with it. I'm never one for packaged deals. Although, I must point out, most of the crazy shit...is me. This part of my life is such a juncture, so many forks in the road, and I never seem to know which is the way to go.
I'm back into the swing of things catching up on homework and eliminating unnecessary time wasters. It still would be nice to have at least one person here in SB that I felt comfortable around, but I'm not letting it get me down. Who needs friends when you've got...midterms?
Danielle, the bargain hunter, found tickets for $48 one way! It would be amazing to have her positive outlook around for a few days; maybe she can help me to desire to be nice again!
Alright blog-land back to reading and writing! Good night
I can't even walk out my door in Santa Barbara without dirty looks or dirty remarks. My neighbors think my name is "whore", and each time they mumble it or yell it from a hidden place, animosity grows. The feelings aren't towards them either, but to the two people who actually did something wrong, the two that decided their own selfish needs super ceded that of everyone around them. The two that have let innocent people take the fall, blame and discomfort of their choice. I've never felt more like a pawn in someones game in my life. I'm not always kind, "sweet" is not a normal adjective in my description by people who have yet to climb over the wall that I've set up in defense. But, this time I decided I would start over in this place, make friends, not enemies. I ended up with zero friends and a neighborhood of enemies. Needless to say, "sweet" wasn't worth my time, I should've stayed in my standoffish, uninvolved comfort zone; it's never given me undeserved shame. Plus, the people in my life who have gotten over the wall are fantastic, to die for people, and I am grateful for them everyday. These recent few who had a free pass.....I wish I had never met. So, free passes are now null and void, everyone new is out, forgotten, and thoroughly regretted. As negative as it sounds, I will sift through people, it's all about self preservation at this point. The damage is done, the looks are flying and I will ignore and try to start new...again.
Speaking of last night, I had a horrible dream! Someone told me that they just "didn't care" about something that mattered/matters to me a great deal. It completely threw off my day, I spent so much time in my head I absolutely failed my Italian test. Sure, sure part of it was, I really don't understand Italian yet, but not being able to focus sure didn't help.
Besides the Italian failure, today was alright, it was incredibly foggy which felt so comforting and familiar. It was really beautiful, so the beach was the only option for the afternoon. It was enjoyable and calm, minus the absolutely horrific sight of a mauled seal on the beach, but I wasn't about to let a little shark action ruin my walk. I had that stupid dream to decipher. After the seal my beach, reached conclusion I arrived at is: maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but life goes on and on and on, there's no choice but to keep going.
I have left and come back to this post 3 times! First the beach, then trader joe's, then pet co...I told you I couldn't focus. I look WAY to far into dreams, I always have. But I feel they really do in fact mean something, maybe not in the future telling sense, but it has to be something that I need to deal with, otherwise why would my subconscious bring it up? I don't even think I ate anything today besides a handful of cheez-its....yeah no...coffee and cheez, GROSS!
Alright I'm officially going to get out of my head and actually function.