Life feels as if it may be leaving me behind. This fast pace and sudden changes are happening, and I'm just not keeping up. I procrastinate important projects and seem to be living in the past. This last week I've been reminiscing childhood and pretending I don't have any responsibilities ignoring bills, buying stuff I don't need and pretending I'm not moving. I really hope this laziness passes and I jump back into real life sometime soon. Even right this minute I am watching South Park and blogging instead of using my precious time to write at least one of the two 8 page papers I have barely started on...UGH. Where oh where could my motivation be? Off to the French Press for a mocha motivation kick start!
I added a couple photos for proof of my lack of responsibility.
Shoes: Urban Outfitters...not sure about the color.
Top: Anthropologie...cost me $17.97, yay employee appreciation!
I have had such a productive morning/afternoon! I almost slept in but little Lily wasn't having it and I am so glad she got me up!
I have done so much laundry (including all my hand washed stuff!!), grocery shopped and cleaned! Now I am sitting here with an assortment of fruit, some jasmine green tea and a paper to write.
The book in the photo is a monograph on the small wars that America has fought over it's history, I really disliked it. It's also the subject for my paper and I'm absolutely arguing against the author's "lessons"...can't wait!
It's been a pretty quick week with a lot of stuff thrown into it. I recently came across some sound bites from cassettes that Tom Waits has been sending to Bob Dylan for his radio show, and I have to say the discovery has been my highlight of the month. I really enjoy clever men in their 70s apparently. Anyway, they're just clever little excerpts on subjects like birds, Jewish curses and prescription drugs...I can't get enough! Something exciting, but a little ways away..! My good friend Erin asked me the other day if she could stay with me for Sound and Fury fest! I am SO excited to not only see her, but also that the venue is 4 minutes away from my home! I can't wait for that weekend and endless bike rides! Yay, for Santa Barbara and it's one fun thing to do!
This last week has been a tough one, again. This time I refuse to let it carry on..I am done with my bad attitude! There are so many great things coming my way I refuse to let some possible bad ones take away my happiness.
My semester is coming to a close and I'm feeling pretty good about it all. I have 4 papers I need to write here in the next couple weeks, but I know I will get it done! I thought this semester would be a lot more difficult than it ended up being. The classes I thought would be most difficult ended up a breeze! Ask me to say that again during finals...won't happen...guaranteed!
I still need to work on my transfer to Texas, but I have a good feeling about it. Speaking of Texas, some of my stress and bad attitude is coming from this particular situation. I'll just start this out right... Hi, my name is Amber, and I am a planner. I like planning, I feel better when things are planned and I hate when people keep trying to change my plans. I've always wanted to be one of those people that just "goes with it", but it's so not me. I get anxiety and I can't sleep when I don't have a plan. It's sad...and scary I know. So, in knowing that I'm this way you would think I would surround myself with fellow planners. Not the case. The opposite happens more often than not and I am constantly anxious that someone is about to flake on me (p.s. I'm normally right). I realize that I need to let go a little and be flexible with plans. So, I generally am...but someone who consistently can't make up their mind really just push me over the edge.
In regards to Texas I have decided that no one matters. I can do this and I will do it, alone. I will make my plans and include only myself. I do this for my sanity in all honesty. I cannot continue on this weird path of disappointment in people. It's not healthy. Therefore, expectations are only for me. It's so much better this way!
I've been going through a lot lately. I refuse to really talk about what's going on in my head with anyone really. I also will never post such things on a public forum such as this, but admitting to being stuck in my head reminds me to get out of it I suppose. That's mighty cryptic of me, I know. Life has really changed in the past two weeks and I am trying to adjust accordingly. I find this aspect difficult. I appreciate the newness, but I can't seem to adjust to it.
I feel as though a lot of important things/people are leaving. One way or another. That's enough of that. It brings tears to my eyes.
On a more positive note, Texas is slowly starting to sink in. I am moving...again. I will have lived in San Francisco, Prescott, Santa Barbara and now Austin all in the span of a year. I feel insane. Probably appear that way a little too...and here I am writing about having a hard time adjusting to change while I continually choose it.
That's me on one of the most fun days that I've ever spent with myself. I was left to my own devices in a town with a lot of weird memories and after several intense conversations. My remedy to clear my brain consisted of malt beer and dancing down the streets.
I learned a lot about myself over the weekend and finally began recognizing wonderful qualities in someone I can absolutely call a friend from now on. He removed the blindfold I had placed over my eyes many years ago and to finally see everything for what it really is was difficult, but necessary. At the moment I am in my hometown visiting family and relaxing. Danielle will be over at 7 p.m to pick me up and we are on our way to Phoenix for my tattoo appointment tomorrow! First one and I am super excited about the whole thing. The appointment is coming at a pivotal point in my "growing up" process and I am so happy that it will commemorate this time for me. I still have a lot to learn and the meaning behind the tattoo is hopeful and contains a lot of elements that are important to me. It's the end of an era and time to stop putting energy into what happened in times past and start looking forward.