I ended up just staying in town, no San Francisco for me. It was the responsible choice to make, that's for sure. This summer, so far, has been all about blasting Cab Calloway, Bob Dylan and Tom Waits, cooking delicious meals and spending time with my little hound dog! Poor Lily definitely does not get out as much when I am in test mode with finals and amidst paper writing, so I have been spoiling her each day with a little trip to the beach!
I feel as if this year is flying by way too fast, moving is looming and life is changing again. People come and go, I've mentioned my acknowledgment of this fact numerous times, but for some reason it always comes as a shock. I constantly think the best of people and place a lot of faith that they really just want to do what's right and follow through on their word, but I always seem disappointed. Most recently a close friend really drained me of all my emotions, forced to me talk everything out and broke me down, completely broke me down. Through all of that I was under the impression that it was all for something, a better friendship. Now, I just feel broken, he hasn't been there for the follow up process of rebuilding, and I have no idea why I am surprised. I always complain about his inconsistencies, but really he is the most consistent person I know....consistently inconsistent. If there is one thing about him I can count on, it is that I can't count on him. I always hope for fair weather because I know that if it gets a little cloudy and looks like rain, he won't be there. I can't keep hoping for fair weather friends. Oddly enough, I feel in pieces after pouring myself out like that, but I am not angry, maybe a little sad, but not angry. I can't be angry with anyone but myself in this case, I do this, I choose this and I let it happen. I go out of my way for people that really just need to be let go of. I've been writing on the same page of my life for too many years, it's time to really, truly turn the page.
Should I be a responsible gal and stay here this weekend and study for my finals, or for once live on the edge and drive up to San Francisco? My overly organized, logical and planner side of my brain is working overtime to get me to stay right where I am, in the library...my home away from home. On the other hand, my let it go and enjoy yourself half is very tired of being stuck in here. Conundrum.
School is seriously my top priority it's what I eat, breathe and sleep every day! I worry and worry with every project and paper I turn in, it's disgusting. It does tend to pay off in the end, the two papers I have had returned to me were both A's! Yay me...pat myself on the back! Of course I am still beating myself up and worrying to death about the third one that I should receive tomorrow.
Texas State does not have a transfer requirements list at all, which already makes me uncomfortable, and I feel as though they may base a lot of emphasis for acceptance on GPA. This little tid-bit is ruining my sleep. I am not a 4.0 student, I can admit that. I am not one of those people that is just fantastic at everything I do...I have to work my ass off for everything I have. Granted my GPA is still commendable, but it's NEVER enough for me! Most recently with my A in Middle Eastern history, it wasn't a high enough A, so I was upset. Silly, I know. It really, really bothered me to the point of almost tears! "Not a high enough A"....get a grip! She even asked for a copy of my paper and I still wasn't excited, so hard on myself. Now I can be happy and accept it for what it is, but it took me a few days.
I cannot wait for this semester to be over, to start TSU and for my next life endeavor...learning Arabic!
So, I definitely wrote a huge long entry yesterday and deleted it. I felt it was a little too personal. There are some things going on right now that are never easy. I have a very sick Grandpa who really means the world to me. I'm pretty awful when it comes to dealing with emotions, in fact I just don't deal with them at all. I may cry or get upset, but I put it away. That's how I describe it, I literally just put it somewhere else. I have been told and know that it's not the healthiest thing in the world, but I know no other way. I don't see what's healthy about spending an extended amount of time being upset. The best I can do when it comes to talking about anything comes with a very important disclosure that goes something like this, "I want to talk to you about something, but you have to promise never to bring it up again". I mean it too! Once I'm done with...I am DONE with it. Other than sad stuff, school is almost done and I can't wait. I just turned in the last paper I had to write for the semester and I feel like a whole new person! Now I feel as if I can focus on what's next, Austin! My good friend Chelsea just signed her lease in Texas and I am just so excited thinking about her and I living in the same place again, a NEW place. I know I felt as if I was getting away from everything by moving down here, and I really did...but it was just a little too away. I've met some fun people in Santa Barbara, no doubt about that, but unfortunately I just haven't met someone that I click with. I am one of those people where if nothing is holding me somewhere, I just leave. It took me a really long time to pack up and say good-bye to San Francisco and it was a hard thing to do. That is most certainly not the case with SB, GOOD BYE!
Speaking of San Francisco, I will be visiting my old stomping ground May 14-16th, just in time for bay to breakers! BBQ's, lots of beer and really great people that I have truly missed, just what I need! This will be mine and Chelsea's last time hanging out in SF together before moving and I am telling myself right now that I WILL talk photos.