9.29.2009

.Home Wishes.

I miss the summer, shows with Danielle, Moctezuma trash, and Sundances cigarettes. I wasn't absolutely positive that it was the happiest I'd been in years, but right now I am dead solid sure of that fact.
I can't even walk out my door in Santa Barbara without dirty looks or dirty remarks. My neighbors think my name is "whore", and each time they mumble it or yell it from a hidden place, animosity grows. The feelings aren't towards them either, but to the two people who actually did something wrong, the two that decided their own selfish needs super ceded that of everyone around them. The two that have let innocent people take the fall, blame and discomfort of their choice. I've never felt more like a pawn in someones game in my life. I'm not always kind, "sweet" is not a normal adjective in my description by people who have yet to climb over the wall that I've set up in defense. But, this time I decided I would start over in this place, make friends, not enemies. I ended up with zero friends and a neighborhood of enemies. Needless to say, "sweet" wasn't worth my time, I should've stayed in my standoffish, uninvolved comfort zone; it's never given me undeserved shame. Plus, the people in my life who have gotten over the wall are fantastic, to die for people, and I am grateful for them everyday. These recent few who had a free pass.....I wish I had never met. So, free passes are now null and void, everyone new is out, forgotten, and thoroughly regretted. As negative as it sounds, I will sift through people, it's all about self preservation at this point. The damage is done, the looks are flying and I will ignore and try to start new...again.

2 comments:

  1. This past summer was SO fun. I love you. Miss you. Of course.

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