.Things Change.

This Christmas was a doozy for many reasons, but I am extremely thankful/happy regardless. Extended family is always interesting, but mine was too much this time around. It's difficult when you don't really see eye to eye with the "elders". I was raised in Arizona, an extremely conservative state, and although I do not necessarily reflect that...my family does. I always find myself to be the recipient of criticism. I can take it pretty well normally, but this year was not an easy one to swallow. I feel very strongly about the gay marriage "issue", it really does bother me, apparently to my Grandmother this means that I myself am gay. Closed minded much? Her other point to support her "Amber is a lesbian" tirade was the fact that I don't bring boys home to meet my extended family, what's comical is that she can't see why. Who would want to introduce someone to an old lady who will hate them regardless?

Besides it being a little uncomfortable to have your sexuality questioned by your Grandmother...I was also upset about how negative she was making the whole thing; and to compound on top of all that...my Grandma does not know me at all. I find this comforting and a little upsetting at the same time. If she knew me at all she would never have to question why I would feel passionate about something, and she would never have to question how I lead my life. Ultimately it was just a reflection on her and how disconnected she is from her family. I just wish she didn't have to be so bitter and negative, but she does help me to realize what negativity looks like and to strive to be a positive/welcoming individual.

At the time of the incident/announcement she made it was hard for me to find the positive and for the first time... I walked out on a family dinner. It was just too much right wing negativity and hatred, and it hurt to know it was my own family helping to perpetuate ignorance. Either way it is over, and I wont have to see her until next Christmas...where she can "drill baby, drill" all over again.

. Happy Hollow-days.

Back home in Prescott and so very happy! I have been so lucky, despite working retail, to be able to spend a good chunk of time home each year for Christmas. I just helped my mom finish wrapping every one's gifts and hurry around town to buy last minute stocking stuffers. I've also already spent some good time with old friends, Danielle and I had so much fun taking photo boothe pictures! Scrabble games with beer, Paco and Scott also made my holidays that much more enjoyable. I have so much to be grateful for and I can't wait for Christmas dinners, birthday fun and New Year's Eve shenanigans. Speaking of New Years my family has passed down a "curse" of sorts, "however you, your home and your heart is at midnight on New Years is how you will be all year long"...I really never believed it until this past year. I spent last NYE in Tucson at a house show pretty upset and distracted by dumb shit. This year WILL be different I am so determined to make 2010 leaps and bounds better than 2009 by creating an opposite environment for that cursed midnight hour, "let old acquaintance be forgot".

Merry Christmas!

Bob and Stuff.

I finally hung the best purchase I have made in awhile! I am extremely thrilled and my room feels about 100x's more me! Another wonderful thing is that I will be driving down to LA to meet with a really good friend of mine to carpool to Prescott! I am so excited and Adie will finally get the chance to meet with Lily.!. I can just feel it deep in my stomach that this winter break will be leaps and bounds better than last years. I am making a serious effort to do things completely the opposite this time around. I will NOT touch an ounce of Jaeger on my birthday, I will not be drunk dialing a soul, I will not care about anything but what is in front of me, and it will be wonderfully wonderful!

Speaking of Lily, she has gained some new bad habits that I am having the hardest time breaking! She learned to bump my elbow with her nose while I'm eating...a very obnoxious form of begging and she has learned this new move where she jumps up and then launches herself off of her victim's stomach! This wouldn't be so horrible if she wasn't 60 lbs!! We have currently been new roomie searching here at 315 and one of the potential persons was greeted by a super Lily ninja move and I was absolutely mortified. PS. she's a total sexist and only does this to men.

I can not wait for Christmas in Arizona! I am so excited!

.Until We Meet Again.

During my days in San Francisco my best friend and I would try to visit this amazing tea house as often as we could. Leland Tea is a very local spot, not on the tourist radar and run by a wonderful man named Will and his mother. Will always had some sort of lovely desert, scone or tea he was concocting and would never take a no answer when insisting on a taste test.

My last week in town my old manager Morgan, Chelsea and I visited Leland for my last time as a Bay area resident and lovely Will made me my very own "good-bye" blend. I just made myself the first cup and like everything else he has created, it is really wonderful and full of beautiful memories.

During the summer Chelsea and I also had the chance to take our Moms to Leland for a tea party of sorts! If you get the chance, it is a really, really great place...but don't tell everybody...it's the best kept secret!

Today is a gloomy and rainy day here in Santa Barbara, but it is a really great hiatus from the usual sunshine and warmth. Also, the perfect weather for the gigantic final I just took!

Alright, off to enjoy my tea and memories!

.Is that it?.

It all seems too easy, walking away and never looking back. Why is that? I walk away from just about everything in my life from homes, to locations and even hobbies are left behind and paid no mind. Sometimes I look back and wonder, "hmm...if I had not dropped violin after 5 years...would I be playing Mozart each night instead of writing about the civil war?" If I had kept up running, could I be doing major marathons without breaking a sweat? If I had stuck with fashion design...if I had changed my major to merchandising..if I had taken that job in southern California 2 years ago...what if, what if, what if. I guess I may never know and it's entirely frivolous to focus on things like this, but how intriguing to think about the paths I've chosen. I am in this place, right now, right here because of choices I've been making over the past 22 years...almost 23. I don't feel regret, just awe. Life is amazing, I wouldn't want to miss a minute. I am grateful for everyone, everything and every pain I've ever experienced, because it got me here.

Speaking of choices I have chosen to ignore a certain 5 page paper due on Monday, and it wouldn't seem so bad but, I have a gigantic final on Monday too! Oops. Decisions, decisions and more decisions.

.Thanksgiving You a Hard Time.

Thanksgiving was an interesting celebration here at 315. It started out mimosa lovely, somewhere in the middle a serious feminist argument gone wrong and ended on a wonderful espresso concoction. I baked a pumpkin pie and my all time favorite green been casserole, and room mate is still expecting money for god knows what. Paying to eat dinner at my own home where I contributed 2 dishes...she is bizarre. She is also the one who screamed at her best friend's boyfriend about how being attached to a penis is a crime....a hate crime...or something. I wasn't really listening, but I can tell you sociologists argue on the side of "who the fuck cares" whenever they can or can't for that matter. He yelled back, bless his heart, entirely in vain about refusing to stay here or some shit, he felt "judged"...poor guy. I laughed, drank espresso and bummed a cancer stick off of some passerby, while this poor man was shamed into apologizing for his gender. Funny.

Other than that, Finals in a week and then I believe Ms. Lily and I will be riding with Adie back home for Christmas! I am so excited for the road trip and the fact that we will finally be home at exactly the same time! Christmas is going to be great this year, I can just feel it. Over that break I will also be turning 23...23...I'm not sure this is what I had planned for myself at 23...but it is what it is.

.Not Quite How I Saw It.

Sitting in the airport on my way home. I absolutely cannot wait to see little Lily!

The trip was not exactly how I planned it, but I enjoyed it either way. Being home amongst family and friends made everything worth while. I even proved to myself this trip what 9 months can do for a person, dries those feelings right up. I'm definitely not the same person I was in December of last year, thank my lack of god. Although, I must be honest, I didn't walk away completely unscathed. I don't think you could call me human if I had. Now it's back to school for the last 2.5 weeks and focusing on not only what is important, but what is certain. I am certainly ready for what is certain.

Disappointment is unpleasant, but the sun still came up and life never stops. There are no time-outs, no passes and never a re-do, but that's OK with me now. Everything is OK.

.2 days.

Two days to go until I am back in my home with my best friend. I wasn't extremely excited until I chatted with her today about plans to hang out, she's a planner too, and it makes things go oh, so smoothly! She is such a peach and has made my whole week by saying she will stay up with me on a SCHOOL NIGHT! I don't care if everything else about the trip explodes, my bestie will be there and that is what matters!
Speaking of school nights, my teacher informed me that my Anne Boleyn research paper I worked on for months has indeed received a perfect score! Not only that, but she also said it was one of the best papers that she has ever had the pleasure of reading. I walked out of that classroom beaming and overjoyed! So nerdy but when you put in that amount of effort it feels amazing when it pays off!
School is going well and my trip is coming up, everything is great. Although, I'm still very nervous about reuniting with an old friend. I hate change so much, but I can feel that there has been a tremendous shift just with me. I am such a worrier by nature. I'm sure it will be fine and I'm keeping expectations out of my mind, but there's just that little thought every now and then.
Everything will be great!
Everything will be great!
Everything will be great!!!

.4 days!.

I cannot believe how fast November is going, it makes me both happy and sad at the same time.

I leave for Prescott in 4 days and I have some stuff I need to wrap up before that happens. The more I've grown up the more I realize how much I have to plan to feel good about things. My planner is always full and with the smallest things,"Fly Home, remember to check in online, you leave at 12:40, pack pajamas" and thats just part of whats written for that day! I am absolutely not good at the whole "flying by the seat of your pants" movement that my generation loves so much, I need spontaneity, but it gives me anxiety! Then again all these traits come straight from my lovely Mom and I love when I do something that she would do so I don't feel an urge to change it. One of my favorites is how she would get the suitcases out probably 1.5 weeks before the actual trip and proceed to pack them so carefully throughout the whole time span(that I don't do, I pack the night before and like she always warns me I pack FAR to much)! Speaking of Mom, I am so excited to see her I could burst! Living at home over the summer for the first time since I was 18 was so much fun, made me miss being young, and it all made me really miss my Mom. I can cook ok, but not like her and her meals are something I dream about. I have probably 4 recipes I can call go to recipes, but thats about it. None of these recipes include baked goods. I love cooking and hate baking, and strangely enough my two best friends adore baking so it works out!

Alright off to finish my project that I wrote a paragraph about in my planner!

.To Be Family.

I don't know about the rest of you, but the holidays to my family means...war. A constant struggle of who's house, what food and best presents. A true gladiatorial contest of epic proportions and portions. It generally starts around my cousin's birthday November 8th and carries right on through to mine December 27th.
The first battle has already been waged and my Aunt has pulled out the big guns, "we just want to do something with OUR family, no hard feelings." Of course this may only seem like flares, a simple warning, but this declaration comes after staking Thanksgiving territory as her responsibility. Shock waves are felt through the ranks of Grandparents and my own Mother, they retort and bristle with annoyance; imeediately stirring into a frezy. With my Aunt's blockade piggybacking on said cousin's ignorance of the treaties which explicitly outline saying "thank you" for birthday calls and gifts, her side of the family is now...the enemy. Mother and Grandma prepare for war, for with Grandma's new fiancee and looming wedding, sending peace envoys is unlikely.
Old hatchets thought to be buried are hastily dug up and thrust at the enemy, and Grandma plays the ultimate weapon, the "I'm the Mother" card. No movement yet from behind enemy lines, but true to Italian family form, there will be no end without surrender.
Happy F&@*ing Holidays.

.13 Days.

Definitely a weird, wide eyed picture, but that is my new favorite winter time accessory! I work at Anthropologie and 40% off that little number really made my season! Although, I believe it will mostly come in handy while visiting Prescott, where I will be (as seen above) in 13 days!

I have to admit that as I write this I am completely stressing out, I have a paper due on Sunday night at 12 a.m, that I just cannot for the life of me get into. It is in regards to Glaspell's play Trifles, and the assignment is to compare it to gender justice in a modern day movie. That's not all, she also gave us an article doing just that, comparing it to Legally Blonde, as well as two other articles that mostly harp on the idea of feminism in literature. These articles are to be our only sources. First of all I seem to be drawing a blank on movies and in my humble opinion I really don't find the characters in Trifles to be all that inspiring in regards to women's rights. They keep a secret from their husbands on behalf of a friend.....SO. I do that everyday, and women have done that for each other for centuries, it wasn't what got us out of the kitchen. In reality, of all the triumphs for the fairer sex, with holding information from men doesn't strike me as revolutionary...as I said we've done it for centuries. I also have another question, why do women in literature and film always have to be straddled with feminism? Don't get me wrong now, I see myself as independent and in no way do I need a man to guide me through life, but I also don't feel it necessary to label myself. So ladies, why are we so quick to slap on the feminist cause to each of our fictional females, when most of the time, they really don't deserve it? and how on earth am I going to support that notion through 6 pages?!?

.15 days.

I can not wait to see my Roo in 15 days! I can not wait for our walks, talks and giggles. I can not wait to be in a place where people don't associate someone with a different "look" to Amy Winehouse( boo on you Santa Barbarians). I can not wait to see and hug my family. I can not wait to visit Sundances and laugh my heart out. I can not wait to take 10 million pictures with my lovely Danielle! I can not wait to wake up late and not have to go to class. I can not wait to feel the Fall weather that this beach town lacks. I can not wait for mom-cooked meals. I can not wait.

However, I am so nervous that I can't think about it to much.

.Lost Compass.

I got the itch again, that get me out of here, I need to move itch. It happens more often then than not and causes me to spend a lot of time controlling the urge to pack up and never look back. I have no idea what I'm looking for, and I use that as my main argument against these nomadic urges. If you don't know what you're looking for, then why go look for it? Stay here and let it find you. That has yet to happen and my patience wears thin quickly, but I continue to wait. It never found me in San Francisco and Santa Barbara is shaping up to be the same story; where is " it"?
School definitely helps, it keeps me grounded and creates an obligation to an established life, but that backfires occasionally and makes the urge to leave even harder to handle. I feel that there are answers, but I can't define the questions.
I may not know where I'm going or why, but I do know what I hope for. I hope to never hurt like that ever again, and I wish every night at the same time that it's not slowly taking steps to recurring, my own personal nightmare. I do not want to perpetuate the cycle, I let it end, but it found it's way. Now, I do not know what I'm doing again.
This is silly, to worry so much about days to come, it is not in my control and to worry is so counter productive. But, I still will wish every night that this is different.

.Everyone Loves a Story with a Moral.

I wrote this while sitting on my fire escape in the grand San Francisco tenderloin. I miss it, so here it is.

spending time...
I've been spending a lot of time on a mode of escape with a bird with one leg. I never noticed it only had one leg until one day, with no specific reason. She's always there though, it's always the crippled ones that stick around.
I smoke a cigarette, (something recently picked up again and even more recently ended), and she turns her head in the weirdest ways. Maybe the smell bothers her too.
She had babies, they lived in a planter outside my window. Then some asshole blew them off the side of a building with a power washer, and they died. She seems OK though. But, maybe she should pick up smoking just in case.
Iguess the moral of the bird is this:
someone may take your legs out from under you, something close to you may suddenly be gone and some asshole could make it hard to breathe, but you'll find an escape.


Fast foward to present.....
I no longer have a fire escape, a bird with one leg and inspiration to write from. Life is different now. I made the final great escape and left that city with the genetically crippled bird population; I tipped my hat to my feathered friend's way of life and flew south for the winter. Some might say it was for the better, some might say that foggy city was where I fit in best. I guess birds of a feather don't always flock together. The way I saw it was, my personal Eco system had disintegrated and a new predator that I couldn't shake was always on my tail. It's name was memories, and he followed me every where I went, taking a chunk of my heart out with each restaurant, street corner, and crosswalk he and I had been together. I realized, I wasn't in the best place for myself; I needed more than just surviving the day to day, I needed to evolve.
I stick out in my new habitat, I still wear the camouflage of my previous domain. It draws attention, but memories isn't here, he hasn't caught my tracks and migrated...yet. Like in most nature shows, he will, that's what makes him a predator. But, I've evolved and I think I've got some new tricks up my sleeve.

.Being Sensitive.

I've been extremely sensitive to my surroundings for the past week! It's so frustrating when you can't get out of your head and stop over analyzing stupid shit. I have so much going on right now school wise that it makes it even more upsetting that I can't get my head back out of the clouds. But, for me it's that time of year, fall and the hell-idays.....money becomes annoying, trying to get time off and feeling lonely without a soul in this new place. I'm complaining a lot, I know, it's bad. I just dread the upcoming weeks in the most unhealthy way imaginable. Next week after this last midterm I'm hoping Amber doom and gloom passes without a trace. Here's hoping!

I do however love the little brown and white dog that is sleeping on my leg at the moment, she is an angel and gets me through the day. Best thing I have done this far in life is adopt her, I am convinced!! She is always so thrilled to see people and is the best spooner I've ever had!

Good night, I'm going to dream my way into a great PMA!!

.and then..and then...and then.

This past week has been a busy one! Midterms took over my life and then I took a trip up to San Francisco to surprise one of my best friends for her 25th birthday! It was a ton of fun, but in the Amber and Chelsea fashion we took zero photos. Silly girls. Regardless, it was amazing to be back in the city, I love it, still. It's always been an intense love affair, love..hate..love. Love the people, hate the street kids, love the food, hate the expenses...etc.
I mentioned in a previous entry that a "friend" has reappeared back in my life, I'm currently still on the fence about this matter. Is it even worth trying this hard to repair something I lived just fine without for 9 months? That is a long period of time and things can change, I think I have changed. I desired the friendship while it was absent, but now that it's back I am reminded of all the crazy shit that comes with it. I'm never one for packaged deals. Although, I must point out, most of the crazy shit...is me. This part of my life is such a juncture, so many forks in the road, and I never seem to know which is the way to go.

.Wearing More, Wearing Out.

Look at me in a scarf and cardigan! I normally hate colder weather, but this year I was looking forward to it! I have a feeling this is as cold as it gets here too, so not to much to dread as far as winter goes!

It's been a long week, midterms are on the horizon, as well as my huge research paper. Beyond school and homework last week had an interesting surprise, a good friend of mine decided that holding out wasn't appealing anymore. I had come to this conclusion many moons ago, but it is a relief that he is now on the same page. We have known each other long enough that the conversation was just like normal, a really comforting thing; and to know that he is alive and as well as can be is a huge weight off my shoulders.

People come and go, and sometimes they go and then return.

This weekend I am surprising another friend, no details, but it should be amazing!

On the home front, everything has calmed down, threatening neighbor and her scary sniper boyfriend, have moved. The cheating room mate has been buying me cupcakes and offering beer as a means of peace, but I'm still cynical. Work has been good, anthro is a really hard on the wallet, but a great place to work so far.

On that note I am off to the library for some one on one time with Anne Boleyn, wish me luck on developing this thesis!

.You Look Good to Me.

Today was a good day, I accomplished a lot! I still have a thesis to narrow down, 12 page paper to compose and a midterm next week, but I feel good! I am back to my old/real self a little rough around the edges, a little untrusting and extremely self sufficient. I feel happier, I feel like me again! I feel so much better saying good-bye to that "walk all over me" saccharine, sickening sweetness. Not the best point of view I'm sure, but with this crazy lot I've been blessed with, it's the best I can do.
I'm back into the swing of things catching up on homework and eliminating unnecessary time wasters. It still would be nice to have at least one person here in SB that I felt comfortable around, but I'm not letting it get me down. Who needs friends when you've got...midterms?
Danielle, the bargain hunter, found tickets for $48 one way! It would be amazing to have her positive outlook around for a few days; maybe she can help me to desire to be nice again!
Alright blog-land back to reading and writing! Good night

.Home Wishes.

I miss the summer, shows with Danielle, Moctezuma trash, and Sundances cigarettes. I wasn't absolutely positive that it was the happiest I'd been in years, but right now I am dead solid sure of that fact.
I can't even walk out my door in Santa Barbara without dirty looks or dirty remarks. My neighbors think my name is "whore", and each time they mumble it or yell it from a hidden place, animosity grows. The feelings aren't towards them either, but to the two people who actually did something wrong, the two that decided their own selfish needs super ceded that of everyone around them. The two that have let innocent people take the fall, blame and discomfort of their choice. I've never felt more like a pawn in someones game in my life. I'm not always kind, "sweet" is not a normal adjective in my description by people who have yet to climb over the wall that I've set up in defense. But, this time I decided I would start over in this place, make friends, not enemies. I ended up with zero friends and a neighborhood of enemies. Needless to say, "sweet" wasn't worth my time, I should've stayed in my standoffish, uninvolved comfort zone; it's never given me undeserved shame. Plus, the people in my life who have gotten over the wall are fantastic, to die for people, and I am grateful for them everyday. These recent few who had a free pass.....I wish I had never met. So, free passes are now null and void, everyone new is out, forgotten, and thoroughly regretted. As negative as it sounds, I will sift through people, it's all about self preservation at this point. The damage is done, the looks are flying and I will ignore and try to start new...again.

."Good" Morning.

These past few days have been unreal, absolutely unbelievable. I wrote in the previous entry that I was being blamed for something I didn't do, I failed to mention that one of my room mates, was not so blameless. SHE, not me, had been sleeping with the neighbor boy behind behind my finger pointing "friend" from the previous entries back.

On Wednesday of last week, my neighbor tried to confront me, and ended up apologizing profusely once I had shown her e-mail evidence of my innocence (annoying), but the neighbor boy let me take the fall(bastard, he gets worse). Well, later that day other room mate (I have two) the guilty one decides to come clean, for whatever reason. She asks the neighbor to meet her in a nearby park and she tells her everything. Neighbor comes home a mess, me and my other room mate go over to be supportive, but of course had to tell her that we had known, my roomie obviously knew longer then me. BLAH BLAH. Anyway, fast forward to last night....my room mate (not guilty one, we shall call her B)..B's car battery died and a sweet gentlemen had arrived with jumper cables, neighbor and her cheater ex are in her house, and their cars are blocking in my room mates, she goes over to ask them to move their cars, and hell breaks loose. Neighbor flies off the handle, screaming at us through our window, we follow her to her house concerned, she had obviously cracked. She starts threatening B, says she's going to kill her, calls us "evil whore bitches, who live with the devil", I tell B to go home because I was truly scared for her. She walks home and I'm left with the woman scorned, trying to calm her down...thought strikes me, "the root of the issue is sitting inside the house, where is he?". I proceed to ask her where "E" is, she points inside, I fling open the front door and low and behold...he is straight LOUNGING on the couch, arms propping up his head, legs outstretched, comfy as a cat. I was in shock, there he is..the cheater in person, who ruined my week, let me take the fall for something I didnt do, just LOUNGING. SO, I call him out, ask him why he isn't helping, I get the deer in the headlights look, and me being an unfortunate angry crier, run home in angry tears yelling "I just fucking moved here". Becca is waiting for me in our back yard and we go inside, lock the door, Neighbor girl comes running over POUNDS on the door, yelling profanities and threats galore, room mate who fucked the boy calls the cops. Cops appear, find out he's ex military and ask if they have guns, which they do. They cleared the whole block, ran us down to another street, proceed to arrest her on a felony charge, and guess who has to give a statement?!? ME. HORRIBLE, so since its a felony charge, her bail is around $50,000 and as far as I know, she's still in there. Other neighbor from across our alley walkes by our windows this morning and yells loudly "E, you should've told me, I'd love to beat a white chicks ass". And, just this second the police called and said she posted bail, she's coming home, ten feet from my door, and I didn't do a damn thing. Please tell me everything is going to be ok.

.early morning library.

Coffee in hand and surrounded by books! I look as tired as I feel in that picture. I've spent a majority of my time with one book in particular Love Letters of Henry VIII, I've never received a "love letter" per say, I have received the silly notes in high school and some sweet texts...but no letter. Being the history nerd that I am, I always wonder what it was like back in Henry's time when men and women actually wanted to be married and bear children. I probably would've ended up like his daughter Elizabeth, never married but always flirting, her and I would've definitly seen eye to eye. She saw the importance of her "job", and the politics of love. She chose to keep men at arm's legnth but their affections very close at hand, she did this so that she didn't appear weak, I love it.

Speaking of weak, I seem to have this unwarranted reputation that follows me. Girls tend to hate me, they feel like I'm out to get their boyfriends/ex-boyfriends etc. I can explain to them until I'm blue in the face that I would never do that, HAVE NEVER done that, but it never gets me anywhere. They have "dreams" and "premonitions" then...magically I'm ousted from the inner girl gang as the outcast man-grabber. When looked at in the context of my life, it's comical. My bio-daddy ruined my early childhood by being a cheat/dirt bag and my aversion to cheating is so ingrained since littledom that I automatically find a man unattractive if he's trying to cheat. I am one hell of a loyal friend, I always put my friendships first and none of this matters, my maybe-man-stealing capabilities are just insurmountable for these girls with no confidence. So you say, "well obviously they aren't meant to be your friend", it has happened in EVERY friendship (minus my beautiful married Danielle) sometimes the friendship recovers, most of the time I get fed up trying to prove my innocence I just give up. If only "innocent until proven guilty" was a mainstay in the everyday.

Lock up your men ladies, I may just want to be your friend.

.Today.

Last night I "ragged" my hair. It was really easy and the results have lasted pretty well so far. My stick straight hair tends to really bother me, and curling iron curls don't hold. So far ragging wins as the best method for keeping the look all day.
Speaking of last night, I had a horrible dream! Someone told me that they just "didn't care" about something that mattered/matters to me a great deal. It completely threw off my day, I spent so much time in my head I absolutely failed my Italian test. Sure, sure part of it was, I really don't understand Italian yet, but not being able to focus sure didn't help.
Besides the Italian failure, today was alright, it was incredibly foggy which felt so comforting and familiar. It was really beautiful, so the beach was the only option for the afternoon. It was enjoyable and calm, minus the absolutely horrific sight of a mauled seal on the beach, but I wasn't about to let a little shark action ruin my walk. I had that stupid dream to decipher. After the seal my beach, reached conclusion I arrived at is: maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but life goes on and on and on, there's no choice but to keep going.
I have left and come back to this post 3 times! First the beach, then trader joe's, then pet co...I told you I couldn't focus. I look WAY to far into dreams, I always have. But I feel they really do in fact mean something, maybe not in the future telling sense, but it has to be something that I need to deal with, otherwise why would my subconscious bring it up? I don't even think I ate anything today besides a handful of cheez-its....yeah no...coffee and cheez, GROSS!
Alright I'm officially going to get out of my head and actually function.

. Life of the Search Party.

I'm the docs, and my sweet best friend belongs to the mice. I miss her very much. I miss her very much especially when people are rude, because she never really is.

I am, or can be if provoked, but I do try to not be the initiator of cold behavior. But, when people have conversations on facebook in regards to me or my dog and think I won't see it, or maybe trying to be passive aggressive really pushes my buttons.

Someone PLEASE tell me that one day I will have respectable room mates who aren't condescending, rude,selfish, dirty or drug addicts! I had such high hopes for when I moved in, but the demands have become absurd, and the attitude disturbing. I have done NOTHING to warrant the condescending behavior, how could I have, I just bloody moved in! Maybe my youth is deceiving? 22 and easily stomped on? Hmm. I guess I could be more abrupt, but it takes a lot of energy to be so confrontational all the time. I guess I feel that I have better things to do. But, living with someone who clearly doesn't have anything better to do, really is putting me in quite the position.

OK, I feel better, as I said before these situations really make me miss my best friends, Chelsea in San Francisco too. At least when my room mates were insane in SF I had her a block away to run to and eat ice cream and vent/laugh about the insanity awaiting me at home!

On a lighter note, school is going really well, classes are great! I've really been keeping my procrastinating personality in check, which is doing me a great service!

P.S someone lend me $8,000 so I can study abroad in Cambridge?

Off to the Farmer's Market!

.Can't Be Wise and in Love at the Same Time.

Just returned from my interview, my GROUP interview. Those are definitely not my favorite, I find that I have a harder time putting my thoughts together when everyone else is trying to voice their own. Crossing my fingers that I'm just being overly critical and didn't really blither my little way through it all.

Other than the interview, I've been a beach bum, and unfortunately have gotten a bit of a tan. I take my italian skin out and this is what it does to me. Going to the visit the ocean so much I feel as if I am on vacation with the beach, sun, and perpetual BBQs. I feel like soon I should be packing up and heading back into the fog and wind of San Francisco. It really has been a huge departure from anything I've experienced before, I don't even have a desk, I do most of my homework on the beach! I feel very lucky to live in a place where I feel on as if I'm on constant holiday.

Lilly (puppy pictured) adores her new surroundings as well, she's made quite a few friends and absolutely loves the ocean. She also gets alot of attention for being as cute as she is, I'm quite the gloating owner. She is a mutt though, and I am constantly questioned on what she is, always with a follow up of "well, she must be a beagle". She is no such thing, she weighs about 50lbs at only 5 months, that'd be quite the Beagle. Due to persistent questions and "know it alls" I've quested to find a likely breed to bestow upon little Lilly. One stood out in particular, Treeing Walker Coonhound, apparently they are often mistaken for over sized Beagles (PERFECT!). So, now I have an answer that doesn't include BEAGLE, seems like a small victory, but I feel that it's going to make the meet and greet process much easier.

Alright, the day must continue on, I have some reading to do for U.S History, my favorite class :) !

So Long!

.Week Two.

These past two days have been amazingly hot and muggy. I've spent a majority of my time at the dog beach running Lilly around and trying to cool off.

We had our first room mate heated exchange last night, or at the least the first for me at the 315 domicile. I stayed as far out of it as I could, only replying as oppose to stating any concerns. I've had some awful room mates in the past, and when I say awful...I mean AWFUL. I've seen everything from heroine needles left all over my bathroom (don't even get me started on my lack spoons) to my room mate moving in his girlfriend and her baby while I was away in Arizona. Those are just two of the major situations but I've had the whole unauthorized eating of the food, missing clothing and late night drunks. One room mate wold always stumble home and forget to lock the door behind her, which resulted in a strange man standing in my room watching me sleep. I learned from all of these misfortunes, I've learned to let the little things go. Living with people isn't really that easy, but picking your battles is!

On another note, today I really miss San Francisco the people,the food and even the dirty tenderloin. I miss having my best friend a little over a block away and our epic walks we used to take. I miss not having to feel like the new kid on the block, and knowing my way around. I really feel like a burden here, and that my room mate feels obligated to entertain me or something. I'm sure it's all in my head, but today I started to second guess my choice to live here. This feeling will pass though I'm sure, just have to give it some time.

Tomorrow starts the school week and I'm excited for it!

Good night!

.Buonasera! Chiamo Amber. Come va?.

Today was Italian 1 and it was a nightmare. I have avoided foreign language classes for exactly the reason that happened today. My professor briefly went over the alphabet, towns and geography and then BAM I'm trying to role play a full blown conversation while she only speaks to me in Italian...no English. Needless to say, I was completely lost and felt absolutely stupid that I couldn't understand anything. Most people in the class had taken or spoke Spanish, another romance language, so they could at least translate enough to answer. Me on the other hand....no habla espanol, stupid Yankee. There was one phrase that I really nailed down though, " non capisco"..."I don't understand". Pretty good for my first day trying to roll my tongue and speak with a fast moving little woman from Pisa. Benissimo!

I'm going to listen to some study Cds, do assignments in my workbook, get ahead in the text and cross my fingers that next week isn't quite so demeaning.

Ciao!

.First day.

I had a terrible time waking up and leaving this morning. It was due mostly to a certain someone who all but demanded a ride at 1:30 am. I will let that go, for now, but a discussion is definitely to be had sometime this evening in regards to boundaries.

My first class back at school today was Western Civilization. First days are always rules and expectations, but I'm really excited for this class. I am not sure if I've written this, I am a History major. Every time I say that at least one person pipes up and states their hatred for history with all of it's names, numbers and memorization. I find memorizing dates and names relatively simple and actually really enjoy all the reading involved. I am mostly fascinated with ancient civilizations, my favorite being Greece. I probably romanticize the eras but, it will forever intrigue me.

Tomorrow is U.S History which will alternate with Western Civ until Friday, then it's Italian. I also have two online courses Art History (I've taken a MILLION of these I swear) and English 111.

My school campus is right on the beach, which sounds great in theory, but when you're walking by it to class with no time to stop, it loses its charm . It was so beautiful today, warm and sunny I wanted to stop and make a sand castle on the way to the book store. No such luck, books were required, sand castle had to wait.

I've recently, in my boredom, started watching Lost,I am on season 2 about to start 3 and thoroughly confused. I am definitely addicted, but man do they throw in a ton of plot twists that have zero solutions. I will keep watching if only for Sawyer and his stupid one liners and horrible nicknames, I like him. By the way, If you have Netflix you can watch all 6 seasons on "watch it now". If you don't have Netflix, you should, it's definitely worth every penny.

Alright off to season 3.

.Life's a Beach.

These past couple of days have had some serious ups and downs. This summer has had me thinking about so many things, what I want, what my goals are and how I'm going to achieve these things.

I've also been thinking a lot about friendship and what that means. I haven't had the best of luck in the past with people, but these last 5 years of my life I've really found my circle. I have weeded people out, some have done that for me, and I feel like the ones who have stuck around are truly going to stay. I've always had a fear of people leaving me, due to many a childhood woe. I'm growing out of it and into something else. Now I just expect to be abandoned, almost encouraging the process to just get it "over with". I push and push hoping it will be my choice that this person is gone as oppose to it being a surprise and really hurtful. I really appreciate my circle because all of them have experienced this bad habit of mine probably more than once, most likely more than twice. My dog is really the only creature who gets the best side of me at all times.

SO with all this thinking I've been doing, the people who have left really stand out in my mind. Being the over thinker that I am, I go over these situations many times. I believe I had more than a 50% involvement with them leaving, not all, but a few. They all had their importance, I just pushed them over the edge trying to see how far I could go before they threw their hands up. Some, I'm glad they're not in my life anymore, some I really regret, hind sight is always 20/20.

So this is a thank you, to one in particular. I took the situation really far, farther than I even know I'm sure. But, it was only because I'm silly, scared and let people talk me into thinking that it needed be something else. What our friendship was made sense to me, most of the time, I should never have let other opinions matter. I appreciated it for what it was, I'm sorry that I lost sight of what was important. If there is a higher power such as fate, or whatever, I hope with a whole heart that it keeps you well.

.Good Morning!.

Good morning all! I hope this week finds you well. I am all set up and moved in, feeling much better about my surroundings!

Last night the new roomies and I made a big feast together, it was so cute. We made veggie skewers, grilled asparagus, portabella mushrooms with feta and baked brie (AMAZING) with honey and almonds. Quite the veggie friendly feast!

Yesterday I walked down to State St and applied a few places, I'm really crossing my fingers for Anthro (so is Danielle hah). All I need is a little part time job to keep me busy and save up for fun things to come in the summer. Lilly also experienced the beach for the first time, the waves were a little scary for her, but practice makes perfect.

Today my roomie, Becca agreed to show me around the SBCC campus. Needless to say, I am so grateful to anyone who wants to show me where to go, I have a seriously rotten sense of direction. So after this cup of coffee and a little more Smashing Pumpkins/Nirvana radio I will be exploring, with guidance.

.You've got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Here I sit in my new room in Santa Barbara, surrounded by earthly belongings thrown about and one sleepy little puppy dog. Unfortunately I was unable to find a place that would take my whole family, which includes my cat, Axl. I am very sad at this moment to not have his little body trying so desperately to sleep on the computer. He gets to stay with my parents back in Arizona in a very stable, cat friendly and happy environment. I still can't help myself from hoping I will be lucky enough to one day have all my lovely creatures in one home again.

I have to admit, I am very scared to drive here, all these round abouts and freeways! UGH, I have a lot to figure out before school starts in little over a week.

The drive today went as smooth as it could possibly go, and I am SO thankful! My wonderful parents always go over the top to make me feel comfortable with new furniture, curtains and they even took me grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, I feel spoiled! I appreciate them so much and no matter how many times it has and will happen I can't help but cry when they leave.

I am feeling very content with my new future, but worried about how to navigate it. Updates soon to follow!

.Try, Try and Try Again.

I leave again for Santa Barbara first thing on Saturday morning. I'm feeling very positive and confident that we will make it 100% of the distance! A mechanic friend has my car all day today to go over absolutely everything that could possibly go wrong. I really can not wait to just get there and start organizing my new living space!

A little change in direction but, I had to share! We all know that Polaroids are no longer in production, but leave it to some clever websites to still make the look of a Polaroid possible digitally! Which is exactly what I did to the photo that you see here with Rollip! They have all kinds of fun little add-ons and designs to play with.

Another short mish moshy entry, but I must to be off to finish painting a "reading tree" in my Mom's classroom!

Have a beautiful day!

.Back to the Beginning.

This is my little Lilly, she is a rescue mutt I was able to adopt this summer. Here she is doing what the rest of us wish we could have done through the last few days. I am all the way back in Arizona trying to recoup before round 2 next Friday. Also later today I will be calling to argue with Expedia AGAIN, adding to my bad karma.

Onto other things, not any better, but other things! Have you ever found that the things in life that hurt the worst, last for a long time? You wear your friends out, talking and venting over and over. Pretty soon, you can't even bring yourself to let it out anymore, you keep it trapped and it just hurts like hell. The Internet has become a serious agitator of these situations, I know this from personal experience. Information is overly accessible, people just put it out there, everything you want to know but, shouldn't. You know the answers you'll hear already, "let it go", "it's been to long", "there's someone out there for everyone"...blah blah! I am not really a believer in the term "soul mate", I'm a little negative on the matter...I'm not afraid to say it! I appreciate positivity, but I really appreciate someone who can say "well, you know what %^&% it, it isn't working"!

What a mish mosh this little entry is, but that's about how I feel right now. I'm feeling just about everything and that's life, love it or leave it.

.Never Quite Goes as Planned.

Just as I had feared my poor little car couldn't make it all the way across the desert. She started acting strangely, feeling over heated. We had to pull over every 10 mi to make sure she didn't explode, or something.

After doing this many, many times we arrived in the "lovely" town of Indio, California and proceeded to limp into the local Firestone Auto repair (bad, bad AVOID). They claimed it was "no, big deal" two hours max until the little beast was back in business and well on her way to the coast! Well, 4 hours later I was handed the keys. Drove the little lady 8 miles and she heated right back up just as before. I called my new "friends" back at Firestone and had to turn right back around after some pretty horrible excuses. After many tears, and much arguing the guy in charge was not about to try to be accomodating. We explained the loss of a hotel, the ignornace, inconvenience and inabilities of his staff to no avail.

That's not even the whole story, but I am tired and this Best Western is not the place or time.

So, if you think of it cross your fingers for this family stuck in Indio, tired, and puffy eyed trying their best to get to Santa Barbara.

Farewell Suckcess.

Leaving in two days to start over where not a soul knows me. I tend to really like it this way, I can't for the life of me explain why. Packing everything up, no matter how many times I do it is always an emotional process. I find things that I thought I had hidden for a later more stable date.

This summer has been a great but, the fastest on the books. I have to leave behind a "soul mate" and basically sister once again, this really bothers me. I wish sometimes that our lives were more on the same page, but appreciate the different life experiences she has and shares with me.

We have had our fun though, stumbling about, waking up and reassuring eachother that we didn't humiliate ourselves.

I am excited to grow up and finally decide on a path that takes me to a career. I tend to quit just about everything I start, but I am absolutely determined for this to be a difference experience. Experience, what an obnoxious but essential life tool. yuck.

I am 22, starting brand new, and happy to be doing it.