.Home Wishes.

I miss the summer, shows with Danielle, Moctezuma trash, and Sundances cigarettes. I wasn't absolutely positive that it was the happiest I'd been in years, but right now I am dead solid sure of that fact.
I can't even walk out my door in Santa Barbara without dirty looks or dirty remarks. My neighbors think my name is "whore", and each time they mumble it or yell it from a hidden place, animosity grows. The feelings aren't towards them either, but to the two people who actually did something wrong, the two that decided their own selfish needs super ceded that of everyone around them. The two that have let innocent people take the fall, blame and discomfort of their choice. I've never felt more like a pawn in someones game in my life. I'm not always kind, "sweet" is not a normal adjective in my description by people who have yet to climb over the wall that I've set up in defense. But, this time I decided I would start over in this place, make friends, not enemies. I ended up with zero friends and a neighborhood of enemies. Needless to say, "sweet" wasn't worth my time, I should've stayed in my standoffish, uninvolved comfort zone; it's never given me undeserved shame. Plus, the people in my life who have gotten over the wall are fantastic, to die for people, and I am grateful for them everyday. These recent few who had a free pass.....I wish I had never met. So, free passes are now null and void, everyone new is out, forgotten, and thoroughly regretted. As negative as it sounds, I will sift through people, it's all about self preservation at this point. The damage is done, the looks are flying and I will ignore and try to start new...again.

."Good" Morning.

These past few days have been unreal, absolutely unbelievable. I wrote in the previous entry that I was being blamed for something I didn't do, I failed to mention that one of my room mates, was not so blameless. SHE, not me, had been sleeping with the neighbor boy behind behind my finger pointing "friend" from the previous entries back.

On Wednesday of last week, my neighbor tried to confront me, and ended up apologizing profusely once I had shown her e-mail evidence of my innocence (annoying), but the neighbor boy let me take the fall(bastard, he gets worse). Well, later that day other room mate (I have two) the guilty one decides to come clean, for whatever reason. She asks the neighbor to meet her in a nearby park and she tells her everything. Neighbor comes home a mess, me and my other room mate go over to be supportive, but of course had to tell her that we had known, my roomie obviously knew longer then me. BLAH BLAH. Anyway, fast forward to last night....my room mate (not guilty one, we shall call her B)..B's car battery died and a sweet gentlemen had arrived with jumper cables, neighbor and her cheater ex are in her house, and their cars are blocking in my room mates, she goes over to ask them to move their cars, and hell breaks loose. Neighbor flies off the handle, screaming at us through our window, we follow her to her house concerned, she had obviously cracked. She starts threatening B, says she's going to kill her, calls us "evil whore bitches, who live with the devil", I tell B to go home because I was truly scared for her. She walks home and I'm left with the woman scorned, trying to calm her down...thought strikes me, "the root of the issue is sitting inside the house, where is he?". I proceed to ask her where "E" is, she points inside, I fling open the front door and low and behold...he is straight LOUNGING on the couch, arms propping up his head, legs outstretched, comfy as a cat. I was in shock, there he is..the cheater in person, who ruined my week, let me take the fall for something I didnt do, just LOUNGING. SO, I call him out, ask him why he isn't helping, I get the deer in the headlights look, and me being an unfortunate angry crier, run home in angry tears yelling "I just fucking moved here". Becca is waiting for me in our back yard and we go inside, lock the door, Neighbor girl comes running over POUNDS on the door, yelling profanities and threats galore, room mate who fucked the boy calls the cops. Cops appear, find out he's ex military and ask if they have guns, which they do. They cleared the whole block, ran us down to another street, proceed to arrest her on a felony charge, and guess who has to give a statement?!? ME. HORRIBLE, so since its a felony charge, her bail is around $50,000 and as far as I know, she's still in there. Other neighbor from across our alley walkes by our windows this morning and yells loudly "E, you should've told me, I'd love to beat a white chicks ass". And, just this second the police called and said she posted bail, she's coming home, ten feet from my door, and I didn't do a damn thing. Please tell me everything is going to be ok.

.early morning library.

Coffee in hand and surrounded by books! I look as tired as I feel in that picture. I've spent a majority of my time with one book in particular Love Letters of Henry VIII, I've never received a "love letter" per say, I have received the silly notes in high school and some sweet texts...but no letter. Being the history nerd that I am, I always wonder what it was like back in Henry's time when men and women actually wanted to be married and bear children. I probably would've ended up like his daughter Elizabeth, never married but always flirting, her and I would've definitly seen eye to eye. She saw the importance of her "job", and the politics of love. She chose to keep men at arm's legnth but their affections very close at hand, she did this so that she didn't appear weak, I love it.

Speaking of weak, I seem to have this unwarranted reputation that follows me. Girls tend to hate me, they feel like I'm out to get their boyfriends/ex-boyfriends etc. I can explain to them until I'm blue in the face that I would never do that, HAVE NEVER done that, but it never gets me anywhere. They have "dreams" and "premonitions" then...magically I'm ousted from the inner girl gang as the outcast man-grabber. When looked at in the context of my life, it's comical. My bio-daddy ruined my early childhood by being a cheat/dirt bag and my aversion to cheating is so ingrained since littledom that I automatically find a man unattractive if he's trying to cheat. I am one hell of a loyal friend, I always put my friendships first and none of this matters, my maybe-man-stealing capabilities are just insurmountable for these girls with no confidence. So you say, "well obviously they aren't meant to be your friend", it has happened in EVERY friendship (minus my beautiful married Danielle) sometimes the friendship recovers, most of the time I get fed up trying to prove my innocence I just give up. If only "innocent until proven guilty" was a mainstay in the everyday.

Lock up your men ladies, I may just want to be your friend.

.Today.

Last night I "ragged" my hair. It was really easy and the results have lasted pretty well so far. My stick straight hair tends to really bother me, and curling iron curls don't hold. So far ragging wins as the best method for keeping the look all day.
Speaking of last night, I had a horrible dream! Someone told me that they just "didn't care" about something that mattered/matters to me a great deal. It completely threw off my day, I spent so much time in my head I absolutely failed my Italian test. Sure, sure part of it was, I really don't understand Italian yet, but not being able to focus sure didn't help.
Besides the Italian failure, today was alright, it was incredibly foggy which felt so comforting and familiar. It was really beautiful, so the beach was the only option for the afternoon. It was enjoyable and calm, minus the absolutely horrific sight of a mauled seal on the beach, but I wasn't about to let a little shark action ruin my walk. I had that stupid dream to decipher. After the seal my beach, reached conclusion I arrived at is: maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but life goes on and on and on, there's no choice but to keep going.
I have left and come back to this post 3 times! First the beach, then trader joe's, then pet co...I told you I couldn't focus. I look WAY to far into dreams, I always have. But I feel they really do in fact mean something, maybe not in the future telling sense, but it has to be something that I need to deal with, otherwise why would my subconscious bring it up? I don't even think I ate anything today besides a handful of cheez-its....yeah no...coffee and cheez, GROSS!
Alright I'm officially going to get out of my head and actually function.

. Life of the Search Party.

I'm the docs, and my sweet best friend belongs to the mice. I miss her very much. I miss her very much especially when people are rude, because she never really is.

I am, or can be if provoked, but I do try to not be the initiator of cold behavior. But, when people have conversations on facebook in regards to me or my dog and think I won't see it, or maybe trying to be passive aggressive really pushes my buttons.

Someone PLEASE tell me that one day I will have respectable room mates who aren't condescending, rude,selfish, dirty or drug addicts! I had such high hopes for when I moved in, but the demands have become absurd, and the attitude disturbing. I have done NOTHING to warrant the condescending behavior, how could I have, I just bloody moved in! Maybe my youth is deceiving? 22 and easily stomped on? Hmm. I guess I could be more abrupt, but it takes a lot of energy to be so confrontational all the time. I guess I feel that I have better things to do. But, living with someone who clearly doesn't have anything better to do, really is putting me in quite the position.

OK, I feel better, as I said before these situations really make me miss my best friends, Chelsea in San Francisco too. At least when my room mates were insane in SF I had her a block away to run to and eat ice cream and vent/laugh about the insanity awaiting me at home!

On a lighter note, school is going really well, classes are great! I've really been keeping my procrastinating personality in check, which is doing me a great service!

P.S someone lend me $8,000 so I can study abroad in Cambridge?

Off to the Farmer's Market!

.Can't Be Wise and in Love at the Same Time.

Just returned from my interview, my GROUP interview. Those are definitely not my favorite, I find that I have a harder time putting my thoughts together when everyone else is trying to voice their own. Crossing my fingers that I'm just being overly critical and didn't really blither my little way through it all.

Other than the interview, I've been a beach bum, and unfortunately have gotten a bit of a tan. I take my italian skin out and this is what it does to me. Going to the visit the ocean so much I feel as if I am on vacation with the beach, sun, and perpetual BBQs. I feel like soon I should be packing up and heading back into the fog and wind of San Francisco. It really has been a huge departure from anything I've experienced before, I don't even have a desk, I do most of my homework on the beach! I feel very lucky to live in a place where I feel on as if I'm on constant holiday.

Lilly (puppy pictured) adores her new surroundings as well, she's made quite a few friends and absolutely loves the ocean. She also gets alot of attention for being as cute as she is, I'm quite the gloating owner. She is a mutt though, and I am constantly questioned on what she is, always with a follow up of "well, she must be a beagle". She is no such thing, she weighs about 50lbs at only 5 months, that'd be quite the Beagle. Due to persistent questions and "know it alls" I've quested to find a likely breed to bestow upon little Lilly. One stood out in particular, Treeing Walker Coonhound, apparently they are often mistaken for over sized Beagles (PERFECT!). So, now I have an answer that doesn't include BEAGLE, seems like a small victory, but I feel that it's going to make the meet and greet process much easier.

Alright, the day must continue on, I have some reading to do for U.S History, my favorite class :) !

So Long!