.Things Change.

This Christmas was a doozy for many reasons, but I am extremely thankful/happy regardless. Extended family is always interesting, but mine was too much this time around. It's difficult when you don't really see eye to eye with the "elders". I was raised in Arizona, an extremely conservative state, and although I do not necessarily reflect that...my family does. I always find myself to be the recipient of criticism. I can take it pretty well normally, but this year was not an easy one to swallow. I feel very strongly about the gay marriage "issue", it really does bother me, apparently to my Grandmother this means that I myself am gay. Closed minded much? Her other point to support her "Amber is a lesbian" tirade was the fact that I don't bring boys home to meet my extended family, what's comical is that she can't see why. Who would want to introduce someone to an old lady who will hate them regardless?

Besides it being a little uncomfortable to have your sexuality questioned by your Grandmother...I was also upset about how negative she was making the whole thing; and to compound on top of all that...my Grandma does not know me at all. I find this comforting and a little upsetting at the same time. If she knew me at all she would never have to question why I would feel passionate about something, and she would never have to question how I lead my life. Ultimately it was just a reflection on her and how disconnected she is from her family. I just wish she didn't have to be so bitter and negative, but she does help me to realize what negativity looks like and to strive to be a positive/welcoming individual.

At the time of the incident/announcement she made it was hard for me to find the positive and for the first time... I walked out on a family dinner. It was just too much right wing negativity and hatred, and it hurt to know it was my own family helping to perpetuate ignorance. Either way it is over, and I wont have to see her until next Christmas...where she can "drill baby, drill" all over again.

. Happy Hollow-days.

Back home in Prescott and so very happy! I have been so lucky, despite working retail, to be able to spend a good chunk of time home each year for Christmas. I just helped my mom finish wrapping every one's gifts and hurry around town to buy last minute stocking stuffers. I've also already spent some good time with old friends, Danielle and I had so much fun taking photo boothe pictures! Scrabble games with beer, Paco and Scott also made my holidays that much more enjoyable. I have so much to be grateful for and I can't wait for Christmas dinners, birthday fun and New Year's Eve shenanigans. Speaking of New Years my family has passed down a "curse" of sorts, "however you, your home and your heart is at midnight on New Years is how you will be all year long"...I really never believed it until this past year. I spent last NYE in Tucson at a house show pretty upset and distracted by dumb shit. This year WILL be different I am so determined to make 2010 leaps and bounds better than 2009 by creating an opposite environment for that cursed midnight hour, "let old acquaintance be forgot".

Merry Christmas!

Bob and Stuff.

I finally hung the best purchase I have made in awhile! I am extremely thrilled and my room feels about 100x's more me! Another wonderful thing is that I will be driving down to LA to meet with a really good friend of mine to carpool to Prescott! I am so excited and Adie will finally get the chance to meet with Lily.!. I can just feel it deep in my stomach that this winter break will be leaps and bounds better than last years. I am making a serious effort to do things completely the opposite this time around. I will NOT touch an ounce of Jaeger on my birthday, I will not be drunk dialing a soul, I will not care about anything but what is in front of me, and it will be wonderfully wonderful!

Speaking of Lily, she has gained some new bad habits that I am having the hardest time breaking! She learned to bump my elbow with her nose while I'm eating...a very obnoxious form of begging and she has learned this new move where she jumps up and then launches herself off of her victim's stomach! This wouldn't be so horrible if she wasn't 60 lbs!! We have currently been new roomie searching here at 315 and one of the potential persons was greeted by a super Lily ninja move and I was absolutely mortified. PS. she's a total sexist and only does this to men.

I can not wait for Christmas in Arizona! I am so excited!

.Until We Meet Again.

During my days in San Francisco my best friend and I would try to visit this amazing tea house as often as we could. Leland Tea is a very local spot, not on the tourist radar and run by a wonderful man named Will and his mother. Will always had some sort of lovely desert, scone or tea he was concocting and would never take a no answer when insisting on a taste test.

My last week in town my old manager Morgan, Chelsea and I visited Leland for my last time as a Bay area resident and lovely Will made me my very own "good-bye" blend. I just made myself the first cup and like everything else he has created, it is really wonderful and full of beautiful memories.

During the summer Chelsea and I also had the chance to take our Moms to Leland for a tea party of sorts! If you get the chance, it is a really, really great place...but don't tell everybody...it's the best kept secret!

Today is a gloomy and rainy day here in Santa Barbara, but it is a really great hiatus from the usual sunshine and warmth. Also, the perfect weather for the gigantic final I just took!

Alright, off to enjoy my tea and memories!

.Is that it?.

It all seems too easy, walking away and never looking back. Why is that? I walk away from just about everything in my life from homes, to locations and even hobbies are left behind and paid no mind. Sometimes I look back and wonder, "hmm...if I had not dropped violin after 5 years...would I be playing Mozart each night instead of writing about the civil war?" If I had kept up running, could I be doing major marathons without breaking a sweat? If I had stuck with fashion design...if I had changed my major to merchandising..if I had taken that job in southern California 2 years ago...what if, what if, what if. I guess I may never know and it's entirely frivolous to focus on things like this, but how intriguing to think about the paths I've chosen. I am in this place, right now, right here because of choices I've been making over the past 22 years...almost 23. I don't feel regret, just awe. Life is amazing, I wouldn't want to miss a minute. I am grateful for everyone, everything and every pain I've ever experienced, because it got me here.

Speaking of choices I have chosen to ignore a certain 5 page paper due on Monday, and it wouldn't seem so bad but, I have a gigantic final on Monday too! Oops. Decisions, decisions and more decisions.